Easter
And on the third 3️⃣day, Christ’s DICK 🍆had RISEN ⬆️. You might think🧠 it’s all over for a guy who got LAID to rest 💤 after he was WELL HUNG on a cross ✝️and then PENETRATED by a Roman 🏛️ soldier’s spear (letting everyone watch 👀 too, like an OG OnlyFans), but only his bud 🌹 PETER is denying 🚫 this guy: your Lord 👑 and Savior Jesus H. (the H stands for HUGE DICK 🍆🍆🍆) Christ! So happy Easter, you GROUPIES for His HOLEy 🕳️ Son! While heathens are 👉👌 FUCKING like rabbits 🐇with that Slutty Easter Bunny 🐰, you are GETTING ON YOUR KNEES 🧎♀️ready to RECEIVE the BODY of your King 🤴 of Kings (and the blood 🩸 too—must be code for CUM 💦). This ancient white ⚪️guy died so you could SIN: he wants you to put on your Sunday best BIRTHDAY SUIT 🕴️and visit him at his BIG, THICK, THROBBING house 🏠 (you can tell it’s his because there’s a big t ✝️ on it). He’ll have you SCREAMING 😱his NAME, SHOUTING PRAISE 😫, and he might even take you ROLLING🧻 IN THE AISLES. Don’t bring your spouse 💍: if he’s with you in the pew, you’ll realize how PUNY ⚛️ his peepee 🍆 is compared to the LONG SCHLONG 💦 of JESUS KONG 🦍. Unless that’s what y’all are into: then bring your partner so they can be CUCKED while you get SUCKED AND FUCKED by He who gets JERKED by the RIGHT HAND OF THE FATH…no, no incest in this emojipasta, that would be too much…ANYWAY, if you have been a bad he/she/they this Easter 🐰, you need to PROSTrATE 👨⚕️yourself on the altar, legs🦵 in the air, and let Jesus DEEP into YOUR SOUL. Remember, holy water 💦makes for GREAT LUBE🌊. If you’re shy, don’t worry, Jesus cums 💦 in EVERYONE. All the New Testament stuff after the GASPels 🫨 is him talking about LOVEMAKING ❤️❤️❤️, right? He’ll teach you how to SUBMIT YOURSELF to your LORD👑. If you’re a VIRGIN, you still will be after, even if you get pregnant 🤰—he literally wrote 📝 the book 📖 on that. And if you think that he won’t WANT YOU because he’s GAY 🏳️🌈, he’s actually PAN 🍳! And he’s 🌲 PINING to PORK 🐷🐖🥓 your brains out: fill ‘em with goo 💦, no matter who! After all, it’s Adam and Eve 👫 AND Adam and Steve👬. I saw that on an ad while I was trying to FLICK MY BEAN 🫘to a video 📼 of Jesus saying “HAVE YOU BEEN A BAD GIRL? YOU KNOW, I WASH WHORES’ FEET 👣.” Bet you didn’t know that your Holy Daddy had a foot 🦶fetish, huh? Even Jesus needs someone to delete his browser history so that the atheists don’t find out that he was ALWAYS on WIKIFEET 👠! So send this prayer to 5️⃣ friends and Christ will throw you across a table and have his way with you, like he did the moneylenders 💰💰💰in the Temple 🏛️. Send a missive ✉️ to the BIG MAN upstairs and prepare to get DOWN with the 😇 HOLY TRINITY🥉 : never too old to try a FOURWAY 4️⃣4️⃣4️⃣4️⃣. Whisper your confession to 6️⃣9️⃣ friends, and Jesus will bring you to a sex party 🎉🥳🎈🎁 of biblically accurate angels 👼🏻 who all have like 6️⃣ of everything, INCLUDING SIX 6️⃣ DICKS TO POUND ALL THE EVIL OUT OF YOUR HEART🫀. And after they’ve all CUM 💦 all over you, you can feel set free by the BABY 👶 BATTER BAPTISM 🌊 arranged by your SPIRITUAL PIMP, JESUS CHRIST. Have fun in heaven ☁️☀️☁️, Jeezy! Happy Easter!
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